Thursday, April 30, 2009


The first question that comes to mind when reading the news these days is "Have any of these people read George Orwell's book, 1984???"

If you don't have a copy, you can read it here:

Note to Shelley, my faithful reader, I promise to update my blog properly this evening. I am still working this blogging habit into my schedule. I don't know how you manage three blogs with five kids.

Monday, April 20, 2009

__________There's Tennis Elbow, Jogger's Knee, and now....

I have Knitter's Wrist. Seriously.

In January of this year I learned to knit so I could teach the girls in my Girl Scout troop. I started with a hat and a scarf. Then made a half dozen more hats, a few more scarves, two pair of legwarmers, a prayer shawl and a little purse between January and April. Somewhere around March, my wrist began to hurt. I would wake up with a sharp pain just below my thumb and general stiffness in my wrist, thumb and forefinger. By breakfast I had forgotten about it - or at least, I forgot about it my lunchtime for the first couple of weeks. Each morning I assumed I had "slept on it wrong".

By the end of the month it was sore all of the time and I was taking great pains to prop up my arm at night, so I was pretty sure the problem wasn't nocturnal posturing.

I also have a severe case of procrastination. At least as far as this blog is concerned. I keep finding other things ahead of posting on my to-do list. I'm thinking a shorter to-do list may be in order.

Anyhoo - now that I've bored the censors with the nattering about my feeble wrist, I can switch the topic to our current training program for the right-wing youth in the house. Knitting may appear to be a useful way to keep idle hands busy, but this craft offers more than just a collection of unique sweaters, hats and scarves. Knitting needles are not very sharp, but when applied with a moderate ammount of force to soft body parts (eyes, groin, etc) can be used to inflict quite damaging puncture wounds. Even in the hands of a young patriot, accurate aim to these areas can go a long way toward making up for lack of strength. Further, these needles can be "hidden" in plain sight. Nothing looks less menacing than an angelic, nine-year-old girl knitting a scarf for her grandma. Never underestimate the element of surprise.

Another addition to our training program is survival camps. We have successfully disguised them as children's sleepovers or "campovers" as we like to call them. I have posted some wonderful pictures from our last training camp. To further obscure the true intent of this meeting with our youth, we served birthday cake and cupcakes. Children can learn the proper way to light a fuse from observing the lighting of birthday candles. Additionally, the children learned campfire cooking using hot dogs and marshmallows. Squirt guns were on hand so they could help manage any stray sparks from the bonfire while also improving their firearm techniques. My proudest moment was when the children, armed only with walkie-talkies and a handful of clues successfully located a box of bubble solution and bubble wands hidden deep within the woods. The scavenger hunt directions included many "double backs" - a very basic technique for keeping hidden in the woods as it creates false scent trails. Later we will teach them "Tarzan" moves which obscure the trail by moving it up and off the ground. Henry is already showing promise in this area.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

_________________Saturday Night with Bonfire

Today we visited a family of right-wing extremists in the town of S_____. For their protection I will refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. We engaged in the subversive practice of discussing the state of the economy and my current state of unemployment.

Mr. Smith was disappointed that my husband was not able to join us. Mrs. Smith and I suggested that the two of them get together for a "guys night out". "Of course," we cautioned Mr. Smith, "if you two go out together, some Homeland Security agents might think you two are plotting to overthrow the government or practice free speech or something. So, if you decide to do this, please exercise extreme caution and know that you go forth with my prayers. Be sure to stop in at a cyber cafe and talk about animal rights if you think you are under surveillance." Then Mr. Smith realized the window was open and that neighbors might hear our conversation, so he said, loudly, "Well, Mrs. Smith, what do you say we get these children fed?"

If you haven't enjoyed dinner with a family on a low-carb diet, you don't know what you are missing! Mrs. Smith and I prepared a tossed salad with grapes, cucumbers, crumbled bacon and crumbled bleu cheese, and topped the whole thing off with a fresh batch of ranch dressing made with heavy cream. There's no fear of fat or cholesterol in the Smith home! The dressing took me straight back to the 1970's when my family would eat at Coco's restaurant. I don't remember much else from the menu, but I can still close my eyes and taste the house dressing. You could put a rich dressing like that on lawn clippings and it would be delicious.

We also made Caesar Slaw - your basic coleslaw with Anchovy paste and lemon juice. Sounds awful; tastes incredible. We filled ourselves and the kids with salad and coleslaw before moving the party outdoors where we roasted weiners over the bonfire Mr. Smith had been tending. The weiners were skewered on carefully sharpened sticks (not too sharp - we didn't want neighbors to suspect that we were letting the children handle weapons.... Lord only knows the next thing they'd want to know is where we keep the weapons and ammo we're stockpiling for the Tribulation)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I just discovered that I may be a right-wing exremist!

A few days ago, I heard on the radio that the Department of Homeland Security had released a new report on the emergent and potential dangers of Right Wing Extremists. I listened as excerpts from the report were read on the air, expecting to hear about unhinged and angry white supremecists hoarding weapons and making plans to blow up the whitehouse (or some other, more accessible target).

Instead, I heard a description of a person who sounded a lot like me. Now, I am not one to take to heart every little thing I hear on the radio (or read in the newspaper or on the internet for that matter). So, at the first opportunity, I downloaded a copy of the Department of Homeland Security's Intelligence and Analysis report.

According to page two of the I & A report:

* (U) Rightwing extremism in the United States can be broadly divided into those groups, movements, and adherents that are primarily hate-oriented (based on hatred of particular religious, racial or ethnic groups), and those that are mainly antigovernment, rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority, or rejecting government authority entirely. It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration.

Okay - so my opposition to the killing of unborn babies, my concern that our borders be more secure and the fact that I believe that local and state governing bodies are best equipped to respond to the needs of their constituents might mean I'm a right-wing extremist?

Gee. I never knew I had such potential to undermine the authority of our Federal Government.

Well, it's time to call the kids in for school (yes, we homeschool). Or perhaps I'm simply indoctrinating them to be the next generation of dangerous Christians, spreading their extreme right-wing views across the land!